How to Know When Your Child Is Struggling & What You Can Do to Help

Once your little ones start schooling, the reality is that they now spend a good chunk of their day-to-day lives away from the family home. So it's only natural to wonder how they're getting on in the schoolyard. Are they making friends? Are they achieving academically? Is there a possibility that they're being bullied? Are they struggling physically, mentally, socially, developmentally, or emotionally?

As a parent, sensing when something isn't quite right in your kid's world comes somewhat naturally. That being said, it's much easier said than done when you have your own issues to deal with.

Perhaps there's a conflict with your partner or a friend or relative that you're trying to work through. Perhaps you're grappling with an internal struggle, or maybe you're enduring a stressful period at work. When you add up all the variables, it can become surprisingly easy to overlook a change in behavior that your kids may be exhibiting.

Say you're considering a change in career path. Perhaps your hopes and concerns for the future are ruminating in your mind all day and night. This might be causing you to lose sleep. This could naturally lead to you temporarily paying less attention to your children.

Say you're considering studying a Master's in School counseling online; you'd likely have to cut down your work hours. This would likely cause stress, including a re-evaluation of family budgeting, as perhaps your partner would need to work more hours to make up the difference in income. In the midst of such a decision, perhaps you fail to notice that your child is keeping to themselves and binge eating behind closed doors.

No matter how unique your situation is, it's vital to pause, reflect, and evaluate attitudes and behaviors, including those of your children. What are the sources of these attitudes and behaviors? Is there a sudden change that may be cause for concern? What are the common and less common changes that indicate your children may be struggling at school?

Elementary School (Children aged between 5 and 10 years old)

While younger children might be more forthcoming in disclosing their struggles, they might also be less able to articulate more complex issues. Younger kids are more likely to voice physical discomfort, like an upset stomach or toothache. They might also lack the ability to identify psychological issues below the surface level. So, what are the more obvious signs that your younger child is struggling versus the more insidious ones?

More apparent:

• Physical changes such as changes in sleeping and eating patterns, noticeable changes in expression and mood
• Refuses to discuss school or displays a change in their attitude towards school
• Is subject to feedback of their teacher's concern or receives poor grades
• Increasingly misbehaves
• Exhibits constant displays of sadness or anger—this could be an indication of a range of issues, including signs of depression and anxiety
• The presence of panic attacks
• Severe mood swings or noticeable changes in their personality
• Not achieving developmental milestones—pay close attention if accomplishments are achieved much later or even missed altogether. If you have concerns, you can approach a mental healthcare provider for children.
• Difficulties in concentrating (or reports of their difficulties in concentrating in class)

Less apparent:

• Spending too much time doing homework or studying might indicate an attempt to avoid other activities
• Avoidance-related behavior, such as consistently not wanting to see their friends
• Difficulties focusing on more than one task or excessive attention to detail
• Claims to be physically sick, i.e., has a cold, when they don't possess any cold-like symptoms
• Lack of physical activity, exercise, and outdoor time
• Lack of play—if you notice that your child isn't having fun at all for a prolonged period of time

So, What Can I Do to Help My Elementary School-Aged Children?

Practice and perfect the ability to listen and empathize truly—this applies to children and people of all ages. Constantly keep the lines of communication open with their teachers, ensuring active involvement in their education. If you have concerns about possible disabilities or mental health issues, seeking professional advice is important. Implement firm rules regarding screen time, especially during interactions with peers. Encourage a well-rounded routine that promotes a balanced lifestyle—this includes socializing, relaxation, learning, and family activities, to name a few. This comprehensive approach fosters their overall growth and ensures a fulfilling childhood experience.

Middle School (Children aged between 11 and 13 years old)

Intermediate children between childhood and adolescence, or 'tweens,' might be experiencing the first whispers of puberty, which might lead them to become more secretive. Don't feel alarmed when your tween wants more space from you and other parents or starts to see parental figures as annoying and embarrassing. To them, it's likely hanging out with their parents is becoming 'no longer cool,' a trend that is likely to continue into adolescence. All the apparent and less apparent signs of Elementary-aged children (mentioned above) also apply to Middle school-aged children, with the addition of:  

More apparent:

• Noticeable change in weight
• A new group of friends you've never met before or peculiar new friends
• Lack of interest in their usual hobbies or extracurricular activities
• Prematurely quitting their favorite activities

Less apparent:

• New friends that frequently engage in risk-taking behaviors
• Excessive screen time and use of technology, including social media
• Obsession with a particular activity or topic—take close observation of the ways in which your child engages with that activity

So, What Can I Do to Help My Middle School-Aged Children?

Maintain an open and honest relationship with your tweens. Keep up to date by routinely checking in with them—be as specific as possible. For example, if they have a best friend, maybe ask if they also like to play the same sport as your child. Then dig deeper, say if their best friend was not at soccer practice with your child, ask your child if they know why. 

Try to stay in the know with social media and current trends. The next time you hang out with your tween, join them in a silly TikTok dance. However cringe-worthy that might be, by keeping in the loop, you can potentially become the 'cool parent,' and your kids are, therefore, much more likely to share their activities with you—online or offline.

Remember to treat them with the respect and honesty you expect in return. Allocate time to listen carefully and discuss their school experiences, adding your own knowledge. This approach not only strengthens your connection but also keeps you actively involved in their world.

High School (Children aged between 14 and 18 years old)

Arguably the hardest age bracket, teenagers are notorious for experiencing conflict in one area or another. Pay very close attention to your teenager's behavior as often as possible. Maintain and nurture the extremely open, honest, and transparent relationship established in the tween years. Remain specific in your discussions and keep up to date with trends as often as possible. Teenagers will require a lot more alone time as they try to navigate the confusing transition to adulthood. Applying all the signs already noted in kids and tweens, look out for the following in your high school-aged kids:

More apparent:

• Defensive attitude about school, friends, family, or any given topic—watch out for snarky behavior such as talking back and eye-rolling
• Complete lack of sharing any information with parents as well as overall withdrawal in spending most of their time alone and behind closed doors
• Unruly behavior, such as sneaking out of the house or lying about their whereabouts
• Signs of chronic fatigue—many late nights spent online can detrimentally impact their physical and mental health, as well as their grades

Less apparent:

• Too much time studying can also be a means of escapism. Take note if they're spending significantly less time with family, including siblings
• Obsession with body image—look out for strange eating patterns and constant comments on body shape and outward appearances
• Overly high self-expectations—look out for signs of overachievement, including constant disappointment in not receiving top grades

So, What Can I Do to Help My High School-Aged Children?

Avoid overly intrusive behaviors like questioning everything they do and why. Allow them more space than previously; however, do check in often and don't allow them to withdraw from you completely. 

Remind your teenagers on a regular basis about the value of inner beauty, including kindness, empathy, and compassion. Understand that they're likely to become more moody and irritable as a direct result of hormonal changes (and try not to take it personally.)

Stay engaged with their social lives by asking about their friends and listening attentively, which builds trust. Implement realistic rules for phone use, like no phones at dinner, but recognize their likely use of devices at night. Foster emotional intelligence through open conversations about love, loss, and reactions, encouraging them to express their feelings.

Don't be afraid to discuss difficult topics routinely. This should be done at every stage of their development, including early childhood. This not only keeps you connected with their evolving world but also helps them navigate the complexities of life with greater understanding. Bear in mind the level to which they're able to conceptualize the issue. This could include sobering historical events, nuances in culture, politics, religion, extremism, discrimination, global conflict, and climate change.

Raising kids can become dramatically more complex once they start school and subsequently spend most of their time away from the family home. It's not always easy to decipher whether or not your child is struggling. As any busy (often working) parent will understand, it's surprisingly easy to overlook changes in your kid's behavior when you're trying to juggle conflicting priorities from a range of different sources. Ensure you always take the time to observe your children and family to see how they're coping.