Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: Recognizing the Signs and Strategies to Manage It

Co-Parenting with a Narcissist narcissist narcissistic parenting parents

By Jackelyn Cornejo , Parent Herald May 28, 04:20 pm

Photo: (Photo : Jonathan Brady/Getty Images )

Co-parenting involves two separated or divorced parents sharing the accountabilities of raising their kids. This understanding can be challenging for numerous reasons, such as coordinating schedules and handling emotional tensions.

Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

When your ex-partner is a narcissist, already difficult circumstances can become even more complex.

Stephanie Macadaan, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Renewed Relationships Counseling Group, notes that narcissistic parents tend to prioritize their own needs, often pushing boundaries or breaking agreements.

This lack of compassion and their impulse to answer with criticism, anger, or defensiveness make dealing with them specifically vigorous.

Identifying a Narcissistic Co-Parent

If you're navigating a separation or trying to establish new parenting methods, you might observe self-centered or concerning behaviors in your partner that suggest narcissism.

According to Macadaan and Michele Nealon, Psy.D., president of the Chicago School of Professional Psychology, common signs include:

Difficulty adhering to agreements
Inflexibility
Involving children in parental disputes
Manipulation to get their way
Undermining your positive experiences with criticism or punitive actions
Conditional affection
Rigid thinking and behavior to control others
Punishing non-compliance or challenges to their authority
Excessive boasting
Feeling superior
Lack of empathy

While these traits can appear in anyone, especially during annoying times like a divorce, constant patterns might signify narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist, elucidates that everyone has some narcissistic traits that help build self-esteem, but NPD involves a continuous feeling of being wronged and a failure to tolerate others' successes.

People with NPD struggle to maintain give-and-take relationships, feel entitled, and lack genuine empathy. These behaviors often stem from childhood wounds and a habit of externalizing blame.

Niro Feliciano, a licensed clinical social worker, adds that those with NPD prioritize their self-image and well-being above all else, often unable to form healthy, sustainable relationships despite their charisma.

Impact on Children

Children of narcissistic parents might develop traits like people-pleasing, guilt over their needs, taking on parental responsibilities, low self-worth, anxiety, depression, and a tendency to enter relationships with narcissistic partners. While not all children will develop these traits, emotional support and addressing narcissistic behaviors early are crucial.

Coping with a Narcissistic Co-Parent

Dealing with a narcissistic co-parent needs acceptance of the circumstances rather than trying to change them. Macadaan and Feliciano recommends:

Holding firm boundaries
Having court orders to provide structure
Avoiding drama and not involving the children in conflicts
Seeking emotional support and counseling
Prioritizing self-care to stay grounded and focused

If co-parenting proves unmanageable due to NPD, "parallel parenting" might be necessary. This approach minimizes direct contact between parents while allowing both to spend time with their children.

Responsibilities are divided to avoid interaction, and communication can be managed through co-parenting apps that track schedules and messages.

Accepting that a narcissistic co-parent cannot change is key. By setting and maintaining boundaries, hindering bickerings, and guaranteeing you and your kids receive emotional support, you can navigate the difficulties of co-parenting with a narcissist.

Related Article: 10 Signs You Are Co-Parenting with a Narcissist