As you look at your sleeping children, it reminds you of one thing that you and your ex did right, and that was to make these beautiful babies. Nothing in the world comes close to the love that you feel for your children. As you look at your adorable little toddler snuggling away, you worry about how your divorce will affect him. You also worry about whether or not he will understand what's going on. Will your divorce have any other repercussions later on in life? Like, affect his personality or his future relationships? These sobering thoughts run through your mind as you kiss goodnight.
If you are experiencing any of these thoughts, you are not alone. There are so many parents out there who wonder about how their divorce will affect their toddler.
Keep reading for all that you need to know about divorce when you have a toddler.
Can my divorce affect my toddler psychologically?
We consider a toddler a child between the ages of 1 and 3. At this age, children view their parents as their entire world. You might find your daughter saying that she wants to marry daddy one day, or that she wants to be exactly like mommy. If parents get divorced when their children are toddlers, it's almost as if you are destroying their positive relationship with trust. At this age, their foundation for human relationships are being formed and trust is a huge part of their development. The situation a divorce creates at this age is insecurity and instability. Little ones thrive on routine. Visiting dad on different weekends, or holidays might make them feel confused. They might not understand why both their parents aren't together. A child this little might worry about who will look after them if mommy is gone or daddy is gone, who will play with them and who will cuddle them goodnight.
At this age, toddlers are also too little to understand why a divorce is happening or understand what it means exactly. All they see is that mom and dad seem to fight a lot and that one parent is no longer around. According to Completecase.com, children at this age might also feel that they caused their parent's divorce. They might feel feelings of loss or even abandonment when they don't see their one parent anymore. You might also notice behavioral changes in your child. They might become more clingy, tearful, and throw tantrums.
Little ones also bounce off their parent's feelings, so if you as a parent are feeling depressed, angry and frustrated, your children sense this. They might not understand the actual cause of why your feelings the way that you are, and blame themselves. They could also resort to "baby behaviors" such as thumb sucking or bed wetting if they are potty trained. Another thing which could happen is that unknowingly children might feel that their parents might stop loving them. They could reason that if mommy doesn't love daddy anymore, she might stop loving me. With all of this being said though, the best thing you can do for your toddler is to show them you love them and will always love them. Often during divorce parents also get busier, a mom might work, where she may have previously stayed at home. As parents, you might also be so caught up in your own heartache that you unintentionally give your child less attention. This doesn't mean that you're a bad parent, it just means that you are human. So if you are going through a divorce with a toddler, the best thing to do is try to keep your little ones routine. If you sing them a song every night before, keep that little tradition going. If dad always took your little one on a Saturday morning to the park, perhaps he can continue doing so on visitation weekends.
With all of this being said though, many toddlers settle into a new routine just fine. The first year after a divorce is always the hardest for everyone. Many children get through a divorce with no issues, whereas others might struggle for a really long time. If you can consistently show love to your little one, then that's always a good start.
Will my relationship with my toddler be affected?
Sadly, divorce can cause rifts between parents and children. Studies have shown that children usually become more distant towards their fathers and this is because we leave most children in the custody of their mothers, so they see their fathers less.
If you get a divorce while your child is still a toddler, the relationship that they have with the parent they don't see anymore will be affected. As mentioned before, children learn to trust at this age and if one parent seems to have disappeared, then this will definitely affect their relationship with that parent. This doesn't have to be the case though, if you as a parent take an active part in your child's life, such as seeing them as often as you can, phoning them and so on, you can keep your relationship strong. You don't have to be a statistic.
What can I do to help my toddler during my divorce?
Love, routine, reassurance and time. Your little one needs these things to feel loved, secure and safe during a time of turmoil. Keep reassuring your child that you will always love them no matter what. You can even say that even though mommy and daddy aren't together anymore we both will always love you more than anything. If both parents keep reassuring their child that we love them they will feel loved.
You can also follow this link to know more on how to divorce when you have a toddler.
Actions also speak louder than words though, make sure you give your toddler's attention. Cuddle them whenever you can try to have fun things together, like a walk in the park or a trip to the zoo. Try to keep things routine like they were before. With visitation, stick to those schedules. There is nothing worse than a disappointed little kid who has been waiting all morning for a parent to come to fetch them, and then that parent doesn't pitch.
If your child also wants to talk to your ex allow them to. Let them call your ex before bedtime if they want to, or face time them before school in the morning. Even if you and your spouse have broken up, it doesn't mean your child's relationship with their parent has to. Remember, kids, love both their parents.
With telling your toddler about your divorce, try to keep things simple. You could say mommy and daddy will live in a different house but don't worry, we will still play with you, and eat with you and put you to bed. This helps your little one know that even though things will be different, their needs will still be taken care off. Another important thing to remember is that only tell your child about your divorce when it is actually happening. Toddlers don't understand the concept of time, so they might get confused or forget if you mention your divorce to them months in advance.
If you can keep showing love, keep routine going, and keep giving your child the time they need, then they will be ok. It won't be easy, but these small steps can help them to cope better.
Another important thing to remember is to take care of you. If you are calm, the chances are that your toddler will be too.
A last thought
Divorce is never easy. If you have children involved, it's even harder. But you and your little ones can come through the storm. If you as a parent can keep showing consistent love, that's all your child needs. They just need you.
