A veteran marriage therapist, Susanna Abse, shares some tidbits on making relationships work. The Guardian reported that Abse worked as a psychoanalytic psychotherapist with couples for over 30 years.
She shared that her marriage in 2016 seemed to be going downhill. When their first child was born, she said it delighted them as a couple. However, the task of parenting became a challenge for them, being a young couple. She admitted that they were not used to accommodating and budging for others, and the arrival of a sleepless baby caused them to compete against doing their parental duties. It was "your turn, not mine," and angry and painful disputes sometimes arose.
She admitted that she loved her husband but wanted him to love her more. However, she felt he was all out of love as he lavished more attention on their new baby. She felt there was not much left for her.
In Vogue, she said that she learned these things about marriage after 35 years of being a marriage counselor.
Disappointment in our partners and love itself is inevitable
How partners deal with these disappointments shapes success, failure, and long-term partnerships. Feeling disappointed is unavoidable, and it takes many years to deal with it.
She shared that at their first appointment as a couple, she would often listen to their disappointments and the couple's struggles. After the couples shared their woes, Abse would ask how the couple met. She would notice that, for a time, the couple would forget their complaints and tell her the story of how they met and the excitement, the love, and passion that they shared.
Almost all couple idealize their new partners at the start of the relationship. The more vulnerable a person is, the more they jump into a fantasy. The rose-tinted glasses distort these realities.
Eventually, falling in love would involve retreating from the harsh reality and seeing the partner in a different light than they expected. The more one idealizes their lover, the harder the disappointment.
People who suffered a lot of disappointment often find it hardest to bear
People who have stumbled a lot can find it difficult to trust people. It is scary to fall in love and trust your heart to someone. As a consequence of trauma, a person may also avoid relationships. But for others, the longing to be loved wins over. However, to avoid heartache again, some people create an illusion that love won't let them down this time. But when disappointments come, all the previous hurts and wounds accumulate to make the pain and disappointment worst, The Times said.
All couples must learn to accept the limitations of their relationship.
Some couples cope with disappointment by refusing to confront the hurts and the anger. Instead, Abse said that a partner would seek comfort elsewhere, such as an affair, children, or work. Others would engage in a long battle to get what they want from their partner, but these battles would keep couples absorbed with each other. Accepting the limitation of the relationship, Abse says, can give each party some peace.
Acceptance
Growing old makes the couple aware of the cost of their conflict, and they eventually accept their partners, recognizing that things are just as they are. When this happens, couples lower their expectation of each other, minimizing disappointments in the process,
The struggle with disappointment is painful, but for Abse, the couples who engage in the process of acceptance last longer.
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