Is It Possible To Emerge From Your Parent's Shadow? Even Regular Kids Are Having a Hard Time

Children of famous and wealthy parents find it hard to get out of their parent's shadow and make an identity of their own. Surprisingly, even regular kids have the same problem.

Most of the time, kids of the uber-famous and wealthy come to mind when people think about the challenges of living under a parent's shadow. The world would point to Willow Smith, daughter of top personalities Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, who described growing up with her parents as "absolutely, excruciatingly terrible;" or the son of Hollywood superstar Tom Hanks, Colin Hanks, who revealed that he struggled to have his own identity and be his own person; or writer and daughter of former U.S. President Bill Clinton and Hilary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, who publicly lamented how she was made fun of so much as she was growing up. The list goes on.

Yet, fighting off parental shadow is a common experience for almost all children, creating a ripple effect until adulthood.

Meet Ryan Fan

Ryan, who is currently a teacher, has been pushed by his parents to become a doctor all his life. His father was a doctor. He chose to become one believing that it was the only way for a Chinese man to make it in America. Thus, his father consistently pushes him to be like him as the profession is the "holy grail" for an immigrant to have and survive in the country.

However, he did not follow his father's path. He said that children arrive at a point in their development where they "neglect" their parent's shadow and choose to become their own selves.

He is happy and triumphant to have carved a new path for himself. And yet, the shadow of his father continues to linger. The feeling of disappointing his parents never seems to leave.

Parental shadow comes with an emotional shadow that children carry with them, which consists of "commandments" about how they are supposed to live, how they are supposed to see themselves, that they may obtain their parents' affection. It is not just about the parent's profession, but their behavior can also affect the perception of children about themselves.

Ryan describes living in the shadow of his parents as living every day with the thought that "you have never done enough, that you will never be enough."

Talk it through with honesty

Psychologists would say that feeling the weight of a parent's influence is an experience common for all sorts of kids, regardless of who their parents are, and the effects can be prolific. This is because all kids are "impacted by their parents" or caregivers.

According to a psychotherapist in Florida, host of The Verywell Mind podcast and author of "13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do," Amy Morin, children learn early on that they depend on their parents or caregivers for survival. This reliance causes kids to suppress behaviors or personality traits and act towards gaining more attention, affection, and approval from their parents. This then creates pressure.

These kids may later try to "mimic" their parent's career path and success to gain approval. A survey by the global recruitment platform Joblist in 2021 revealed that 65 percent of respondents ended up in the career or industry they felt their parents wanted them to be part of.

Alex Leff, a psychotherapist and relationship expert in New York City, stated in an interview with BBC, "Whether implicit or explicit, that kind of parental pressure can lead to challenges in an adult child really choosing from their core what they like or want. This isn't just in terms of a career path, but also in relationships and appearance too. As a result, many can struggle to really find true agency, self-authority and wholeness."

A "parent's imprint" can stay with the kids for life, and this may be hard to shake. However, Leff declared that it is very possible to emerge from a parental shadow. It takes a lot of work, and this is the truth. Children need to be brave enough to create a space for their own development away from their parents and comfort zone. Most importantly, they should set aside their fears and insecurities and have an open, honest conversation with their parents to share and process their feelings and whatever it is they are going through.