Caroline Chirichella told Parents that the common advice "respect your elders" is not only outdated but also teaches children to accept elders' inappropriate and rude behavior that gradually establishes weak boundaries.
Recently, Caroline's child, a 4-year-old daughter, was blatantly disrespected by someone almost 80 years her senior. The elder one made an insulting remark about her daughter's appearance, to which she immediately fired back as that's how her great-grandfather, an Italian immigrant in his 60s at the time, told her mother. "You don't respect people just because of their age; you respect them because they've earned your respect," is something Chirichella's mom passed on to her and has remained with her since.
The elder who insulted her daughter quickly responded that her child should respect an older person simply because they are older and got the mother thinking about how parents commonly teach kids to respect elders and how harmful that can be. For the mother, it is an outdated practice that forces young ones to condone behavior that should not be tolerated.
Dr. Jaclyn Gulotta, a licensed mental health counselor in private practice in Orlando, Florida, agreed that the common phrase is harmful, particularly to children, as some elders believe that they can behave in any manner without any consequences due to their age.
Not allowing her daughter to accept negative behavior from elders
The mom clarified that respect itself is beautiful, but sometimes the real meaning of it is neglected by so many people, especially elders, as they consider themselves excluded from any consequences of their negative behavior, which Chirichella doesn't want her daughter to witness. She doesn't want to raise her daughter to accept negative behavior from elders. Instead, she wants her daughter to be kind and treat others how she'd like to be treated and teach her that age alone does not define who deserves respect.
Dr. Robin Hornstein, a psychotherapist based in Narbeth, Pennsylvania, said that the command to respect elders should not be precisely the nuanced admonition we need to give children as "blanketing any advice makes very little sense." However, an older person who is almost rude to everyone and displays negative and inappropriate behavior should not be a role model or someone who has garnered respect.
Parents should teach children what real respect is and show respect when they are respected. Young ones must know the big difference between respect and disrespect at an early age.
According to Kids Helpline, respect in a certain relationship helps children to establish trust, safety, and well-being.
Respect means to feel heard and valued
Dr. Gulotta advises parents not to teach children to just respect elders, especially the rude ones, as it makes children feel that their feelings don't matter. Normally, parents teach kids to be respectful but don't apply to anyone, especially those who are not kind to them. We want to teach children to be kind and respectful, but if someone is not giving the same energy, kids must learn that they don't need to overstep healthy boundaries just because they are older.
Dr. Hornstein added that respect means allowing all constituents to feel heard and valued regardless of age. Dr. Gulotta points out that forcing children to be respectful teaches them that allowing someone to treat them poorly is okay.
Being respectful means being accountable for your actions, per Des Moines Register.
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