Most parents, usually mothers, ask their children to call more often to signify that they feel distant and want these phone conversations to gap the distance and build deeper connections.
However, according to Sarah Epstein, LMFT, a Marriage and Family Therapist in Philadelphia, PA, and the Amazon bestselling author of the book Love in the "Time of Medical School," frequency of phone calls is a "bad metric" to measure the closeness of relationships, or the quality of the connection between parents and adult children.
She suggested that if parents want a closer relationship with their adult children, they should delve into their relationship more broadly, be open about how they are feeling, and not mask their feelings with the words, "call more often please."
A parent's 'plea for closeness'
In an article she wrote for Psychology Today, Epstein narrated how many of her clients would share how their parents once again requested that they call more. Every time this is said, she hears the parent's "plea for closeness."
She hears parents desiring a closer bond, a deeper connection with their adult children. She hears parents wanting to know their children's good news and victories, tough problems, and the support they need. She hears parents' pain and frustration due to an unmet expectation about the kind of relationship they want with their children. In short, parents want to be active in their life journey, just like before.
However, "You need to call home more often" comes out of their mouth instead of explicitly expressing all these desires and pain within them.
Thus, the question of how often children should call their parents creates "cycles of discord" between two generations without ever addressing the real need for connection.
'Obligation-based connection...feels empty'
In American culture, the more frequent phone calls from children mean the better the quality of relationships they have with their parents.
"If the child calls home more, the thinking goes, the child is showing more commitment to the relationship and inviting their parents into more areas of their life. 'More phone calls' becomes a proxy for relational closeness. Except it doesn't work that way," Epstein revealed.
The frequency of communication does not stipulate or guarantee quality.
If the adult child calls frequently but merely out of duty, these phone calls will never lead to a deeper connection. She has clients who call their parents daily to avoid the argument of not calling. Others also express frustration on why the calls should always be centered on what the parents want to discuss without considering what their child wants to talk about. Others get exhausted because the calls become a way for "intrusive questions" that they would like to evade. Others report random great conversations that drown in the number of calls where there is nothing new to say. And unfortunately, almost all her clients feel downhearted because it seems they can never offer enough to satisfy their parents.
On the other hand, parents feel unsatisfied even with frequent phone calls because these calls do not solve the longing for a closer relationship. Connection based on obligation ultimately gives emptiness.
Thus, Epstein suggested that before parents ask for more phone calls, they may benefit more if they take a step back and ask themselves why the phone calls need to be asked for, what kind of relationship their children want to have with them, and how would they want to go about it.
Instead of saying, "Call more often," parents need to ask their children questions like how phone calls feel to them, what types of communication and frequency would work for the both of them, what makes them feel closer to their parents, or what can both do to feel more connected aside from phone calls.
Build up the curiosity between each other, and discuss the relationship. Only then can progress occur.
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