A mom and a writer opens up about a usually hushed-up part of parenthood, when it seems a sin for parents to say that they miss their old lives pre-children era.
Libby Brodie recalls a moment over a decade ago when she was having coffee with the first of her friends who had welcomed a baby. Her friend's son was racing around the room, knocking over whatever was on his way. Getting a hold of her little one who was crying in frustration as she pulls him away from the hot coffee cups on the table, she calmly looked Brodie in the eye and declared that she has never ever regretted having her kid, but she does often regret motherhood.
She did not really get what her friend meant with her words at that time as she was single then and living the best of her life as an independent woman who was totally in control.
Yet, now that she is already a mother, she finally gets it. It's a sentiment she finally can connect with.
Motherhood is a 'beast'
"As fulfilling as motherhood is, it also means a loss of one's previous identity. And mourning that is not something we're encouraged to voice, let alone talk openly about, in case it's viewed as selfish, or being 'a bad parent'. Or even not loving your child enough," Brodie expressed in an article she wrote for Cosmopolitan.
She shared that she loved her life before motherhood - the freedom, her career, the relationships she has invested time and effort to, her home, which she spent years curating into her "perfect space." She loved being herself, until she reached her mid-30's and all of a sudden she was longing for a family.
Her son's first cry will always be the most wonderful sound she would ever hear in her entire life. Yet, looking back, she now realized how she really had no idea of the "enormous shift" in her whole being that was heralded by motherhood.
Brodie bravely admitted that her son is wonderful, but motherhood is a "beast."
Suddenly one realizes that fear is the flipside to unconditional love, that the world is a very dangerous place to live in. Waves of anxiety and mom-guilt always creep in. There will be the the pain of breastfeeding, sleepless nights and stress eating that one cannot get away from. The changes in the body and in the brain. And, the date-nights that lessen and ultimately disappear.
In these moments, a mother realizes that time no longer belongs to them and they are not the "central figure" in their own story. In these moments, Brodie desperately misses her life before motherhood. And, over time, she realizes that it should be okay to say that out loud.
'I don't recommend' parenthood
As a parent, she now realized how crucial it is to be brutally honest about motherhood and the good, bad and ugly stuff that are involved with it.
When asked about parenthood, Brodie can bravely say that she does not recommend it, unless it is the very thing that one truly longs for.
Parenting is not the greatest decision one could ever make, and she is saying this without hate and negativity, but with the purest of intention to "undo" the expectation that parenthood can somehow complete one's life or should become one's only defining identity. That parenthood is the "right choice" for everyone is false because everyone is different. Thus, the idealization of parenthood needs to stop.
Here's another truth she shared, that although unconditional love is beautiful, it comes with huge, heavy sacrifices - one's body, home, time, sleep, friendships, and mental health.
Brodie expressed that she loves her child "fiercely", but at the same time, she continues to mourn the loss of her independence and freedom.
To raise a child is an honor and a priceless experience, but she reminds everyone that it is not a guarantee, though, of happiness. Thus, it should really be something that one has to want so much, and not just because it is what one is expected of doing.
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