One in every 3 marriages ends in divorce, according to the latest divorce statistics.
There are approximately 4 to 5 million people who are getting married every year in the United States. However, approximately 42 to 53 percent of these marriages eventually end up in divorce, as the National Center for Health Statistics in the US reported.
Moreover, it was also reported that roughly one in 2 children will witness their parents' marriage break and go through a divorce.
Divorce usually is between two parties - the husband vs. the wife. Unfortunately, when the couple has kids, the latter are generally set aside, as if they are not part of the heartbreaking incident and the stress and trauma it creates. When the truth is, most of the time, they are the ones that are greatly affected.
Children are victims of divorce too
Susan Moss is an attorney in New York City, who occasionally serves as the representative of children who are caught in between their parents' battle of divorce.
Having a front-row seat to too many marriages that ended in court, she gives a list of what she thinks parents going through a divorce should know about their children.
1. Children's voices matter.
Most of the time, when parents and their lawyers discuss about divorce settlements, the focus is usually on what the parents want, when the children are actually the ones who need to shuffle back and forth between 2 houses. Thus, children's opinions must be heard too.
A teenager might be having a hard time getting good grades at school because switching homes in the middle of the week distracts his/her study routine. A middle schooler might not want to go to his/her mother's hometown for the summer because his/her friends live where daddy lives.
These concerns might seem insignificant for adults but the child has the right to be heard. Children can have logical and mature opinions, and the parents owe it to them to at least consider.
2. Children might be telling their parents different things.
Parents should understand that "kids are people pleasers," especially if the people are the ones they love so much. They might express that they want to live with daddy, and then turn around and tell mommy that they do not want to leave her home too.
The kids are not lying or following around. They are telling their truth at that moment.
Parents should not be surprised if their children are telling them one thing, their ex-spouse another, and the attorney another altogether. Moss said that in her profession she has learned to ask questions at least 3 ways in different settings just to get to the bottom of how the children really feel.
3. Parents do not need a plan that will work forever.
As children grow and their needs change, custody arrangements need to be adjusted. As Moss always tells her clients' parents, it is important to go with the flow. Reevaluation of arrangement should be done after there is a major change for each parent or for children.
4. Parents should not bad-mouth each other.
Do not vent up your anger, frustrations, and disappointments to children, especially to the older ones. Save the "you'll never believe what she did" conversations for your relatives and friends.
It is crucial for parents to keep in mind that their co-parent can be the only mother or father their kids will ever have. He/She may not be the perfect parent, but the kids need not know all the ways they have failed. Instead, parents should respect the important role their co-parent holds in their children's life.
Always set a peaceful tone.
Read Also: Child Of Divorce Writes A Powerful Letter To His Parents; It's A Wake-Up Call For Everyone
5. Keep a united front.
Moss stated that parents always ask her what the best custody schedule is for the children. And, she only has one answer - it doesn't matter.
What matters, she stressed, is that the parents are on the same page. If the parents keep on fighting, they can have any type of schedule and the child will still feel and absorb all the negativity they have towards each other. If they keep a united front, however, children will progress better.
A licensed clinical psychologist in Mount Pleasant, specializing in helping parents stay united through the process of divorce, Dr. Elizabeth VanPelt, suggested that parents should keep their children's lives as normal as possible and not include them in the issues of the adults, and to prioritize positive co-parenting as much as possible.
6. If one parent got everything he/she want, something went wrong.
"These nasty divorces are hardly ever one-sided. You have to realize that the other side has a point of view, and their point of view is usually not 100% wrong. There needs to be a happy compromise in the middle. If you get 100% of what you want, it's often not in the best interest of the child," Moss explained.
Related Article: How to Co-Parent and Keep the Kids Happy Even With Divorce
