Co-parenting is challenging, but the holiday season could make it more difficult, especially when the couple just got divorced and is still going through a tough time emotionally while needing to move forward for the children's sake.
Licensed therapist and author of the book, "The Remarriage Manual," Terry Gaspard, shared how she counseled Joshua, 47, and Maria, 46, who had been divorced and co-parenting for over a year and had faced challenges during the holiday season last year.
Lonely time of the year for children
The first thing Gaspard emphasized to the ex-couple is that the kids are the priority. Co-parents should know that if this season is doubly-hard for them, how much more for the children? It is also challenging for children who cannot understand how having divorced parents and celebrating the holidays can happen simultaneously. Thus, children can be emotional and stressed. The holiday season can be a lonely time for them instead of being festive, especially if there are no new traditions to look forward to and they are seeing too much conflict between their parents.
Research showed that the kids would adjust better to divorce and co-parenting if their parents minimized conflict and were more cooperative.
"By learning how to manage their conflict, parent effectively, and nurture warm and loving relationships with their children, parents can have a powerful, positive effect on their children, even as they undergo multiple difficult changes in their own lives," Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development stated.
Gaspard told Joshua and Maria to ensure that compassion is given to the kids, especially when they seem stressed or worried over Christmas presents, holiday schedules, or other issues. Reminding them that it is normal to feel more pressure this time of year is a big help, assuring them that their parents will be present with them always, navigating through all the rocky patches.
The last thing co-parents want to happen is for their kids to create resentment and distaste for the holiday. When planning and scheduling the day or the entire season, it is crucial to put the children's best interests first.
Co-parenting is all about prioritizing compromises that benefit the children most.
More merry-making over the traditions
After emphasizing that children are the priority over their personal issues and feelings, Gaspard presented tips for the ex-couple to help their children have a successful holiday.
1. Be businesslike, polite, and civil with the ex-partner.
It is best to treat the co-parenting relationship as a "collaboration." Create new boundaries and communicate in the same way one would with their co-workers. Co-parenting should be about respecting each other and modeling cooperative behavior to the kids.
2. Have a positive mindset and attitude towards the holidays.
Always remember that spending time with the children and doing enjoyable activities is the best part of this busy season and the best memories the kids will have.
3. Plan ahead.
Create and agree on a secure schedule for your children but always maintain flexibility. Communicate with the co-parent when needed, and remember that people are more emotional during the holiday season.
4. Never express anger towards your kids' other parents in front of them.
Again, respect is needed. Being respectful towards each other will set a positive tone for the years to come. More importantly, it will lessen children's loyalty conflicts.
5. Ensure to make a commitment to your kids and communicate regularly.
Use communication channels where both don't need to speak to each other. This helps keep the emotions out of the conversation and be rational. However, avoid text messages which can be misunderstood. Emails are the best but never send without "pausing and proofreading." Regular communication with your ex-partner can be challenging, but it is important for the kids.
6. Validate the children's feelings if they express sadness or other negative emotions.
Let the kids know that it is okay to feel that way and that both parents are there for them, whatever emotions they go through. This is very important - co-parents should never make the children feel guilty about their time spent away with whoever is scheduled.
7. Begin new holiday traditions that will create positive memories for the family.
Continue with the traditions and activities from the past that worked for the family. Yet, it will also be healthy to create new ones.
8. Remember to laugh and relax with the kids.
Laughter will always be one of the best medicines to cure a negative mood and change it to a positive one. Take time out of every day to de-stress by doing things that everybody loves, such as listening to music, working on a puzzle or legos, or eating in the kids' favorite ice-cream parlor.
