A psychologist expresses how behaviors children see in adults can shape them, using Prince Harry's emotionally distant upbringing, which he detailed in his new memoir.
The royal family are not known for physical affections or display of emotions, and this "stiff upper lip mentality" is strongly confirmed in Prince Harry's new memoir entitled Spare.
One of these 'stiff upper lip' instances is when Harry narrated how, when he came back home from Afghanistan, attended a press conference and walked out of the room straight into his brother Prince William and his father, now King Charles. He cannot quite remember if his brother hugged him, but he gave his father a kiss on the cheek, to which he also cannot remember if his father squeezed his shoulder as a response.
Prince Harry wrote that to people at a distance, that scene would have been a usual family interaction. However, for the royal family it was a "flamboyant, unprecedented demonstration of physical affection."
It seems that this lack of affection has been passed through the family as Prince Harry also shared how the late Queen, after arriving back home from several months of being away for a royal tour, greeted her son, a five or six-year-old Charles, with a firm handshake.
Damaging impacts
Psychologist Audrey Tang described this kind of parenting style as "stiff upper lip," an approach that can have potentially damaging impacts on a child.
Showing lack of emotions and physical affection can stop one's child's emotional expression.
Prince Harry recalled how he wanted to hug the Queen when she permitted him to ask his then girlfriend Meghan Markle to marry him. In fact, he "longed" to hug her but he did not.
When it comes to hugging in particular, touch creates trust, and it's actually faster to calm someone than anything anyone can say. One of the biggest problems a lot of people have is if parents haven't been able to model emotional expression in a healthy manner, because that's where you actually learn a lot of your behaviours in the formative years of your life," Dr. Tang stated when explaining how a lot of research has shown the significance of physical touch and role modeling emotional expression.
Moreover, parenting that shows lack of emotion can send the wrong message to children that it is not okay to feel or show emotion, Dr. Tang said.
Prince Harry also revealed in his memoir that he was not able to cry over his mother Princess Diana's death for 17 years. He thanked his then-girlfriend Cressida Bonas for helping him cross the barrier and unleash his tears.
In an interview with Anderson Cooper, he further admitted that for those 17 years, he was always carrying this guilt for not being able to cry for his mother, Marca reported.
Dr. Tang encouraged parents to explain things and circumstances to children, and explain them well. She emphasized that damage is not fully caused by lack of expression or emotion but by how it is explained or managed. Children can make up stories in their heads when things are not explained, and they can always assume that it is their fault.
Further, she emphasized that parents need not be ashamed of crying in front of their children. In fact, it can be an opportunity to explain to them that it is okay not to be and feel okay sometimes. What is terrible is for parents to imply that emotions are bad. This will result in the children struggling to hide and suppress their emotions in the future.
Read also: Prince Harry Wants Father and Brother 'Back' Amidst Tension in the Royal Family
The silver lining
But Dr. Tang told Lisa Salmon of The Irish News that there is a silver lining.
Children who have been raised by parents with the "stiff upper lip mentality" may not necessarily allow their children to be raised in the same way.
These parents can become "over-loving, seeking a corrective experience," she declared.
They already know where their parents or grandparents made a mistake and the problems in their own family that have been caused by that mistake. Thus, people who experience emotional neglect from their family can definitely use and give the love and nurturing they once longed for to their partners and children.
Though unfortunately, they may never get to have a better relationship with their own parents, they can create a healthier, more open relationship with their partners and children.
Related Article: How to Identify a Toxic Parent
