The earlier parents can spot whether their kids are growing up as people pleasers, the easier it is to stop and change this unhealthy behavior.
Children can be pretty skilled at putting themselves first. Not that they are selfish, but because they are naturally inclined to do that. Children can also be skilled in expressing disappointment and frustration when they do not get what they want or achieve their goals.
However, when there is an extreme shift on the other side, and the child suddenly becomes overly concerned with others' reactions to the point of them concealing thoughts and points of view and going above and beyond creating unhealthy boundaries, then something is not right. The child might have developed or adopted a people-pleaser behavior.
According to a licensed clinical social worker and the founding therapist at Happypillar, Chloe Picot-Jacobs, being a people pleaser implies a long-term pattern of behavior that hinders the ability to identify and express one's own needs.
Licensed psychologist, board-certified music therapist, and author Bethany Cook differentiated a people pleaser from a trauma response or a nice person through the absence of "intrinsic joy" yet the overwhelming presence of resentment, anger, and frustrations, making a people pleaser's behavior seriously damaging.
Signs that you are raising a people-pleaser
"Often, people-pleasing behaviors are related to living in environments where there is low attunement to [a child's] feelings from the adults in their life [that can result in them becoming] so focused on others that they are unable to identify their own thoughts or wishes, or they don't see the value in following their own heart," Wendy Kovacs Cortes, Ph.D., LMFT, and adjunct faculty in the Couple and Family Therapy Department at Adler University, explained when asked how children develop an unhealthy level of people-pleasing.
Kids become people pleasers when their feelings are not valued or validated or receive pessimistic attention because they express their needs or thoughts. And, like any other child development, people-pleasing traits are often adapted from home through seeing parents constantly trying to please others or as a trauma response to avoid future pain or abuse, Cook further implied.
She shared with Scary Mommy a list of the top signs that parents are raising a people pleaser. Parents need to check the frequency as well as the extremity of the following behaviors:
- They struggle to identify what they want.
- They take on their peers' traits to try to fit in rather than be authentic.
- They use a lot of energy to avoid conflict.
- Emotionally comforts others even when they are distressed.
- Adjusts their mood state to keep peace with parents and caregivers.
- Has a deep fear of rejection.
- Caves into others' want immediately when challenged.
How to curb the behavior
Once parents have identified that their children have the tendency to become people-pleasers, or maybe they already are, Picot-Jacobs encourages parents to show patience and understanding, keeping in mind that even adults struggle with having people-pleasing traits. Moreover, develop a healthier way of interacting by showing appreciation and pride, not only on their good days but especially on their bad days.
According to Cortes, on the other hand, parents should motivate the kids to make decisions on their own and for themselves and provide a safe place where they can identify their feelings, likes, and dislikes. Children should also be taught there is nothing wrong with accepting praise and credit when earning it.
An article from the blog site Word From The Bird provided other practical ways parents can end their kids' unhealthy people-pleasing behavior.
1. When disciplining the kids, make it about what they did wrong, not how they can make you happy.
2. Teach them the tools to apologize while also letting them know they are forgiven.
3. Never threaten them.
4. Encourage independence and individuality. Raise independent thinkers and not robots.
5. Pay attention to them and affirm them for their efforts.
6. Be an example and a role model.
7. Encourage the fact that not all people will like them, and that is okay.
8. Know if they are being bullied in school and address it.
Related Article: Helping Your Child to Deal With Rejection
