Four Effective Ways to Help Your Child Overcome Disappointment and One Mistake to Avoid, According to Psychologists

Life is filled with ups and downs, and children are no exception when it comes to facing setbacks and disappointments. While parents may regard these as minor bumps, for kids, the emotional toll can be considerable. Leading child psychologists weigh in on constructive approaches for helping children cope with setbacks, offering both insights and caveats.

Dr. Lauren Quetsch, Assistant Professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Arkansas, points out that children's emotional landscapes are significantly different from those of adults. For example, her almost 7-year-old daughter finds setbacks, like learning to ride a bike or opening her eyes underwater, incredibly frustrating.

"To them, these challenges feel big, even if they don't seem so to us as parents," says Quetsch.

Daily hurdles, whether not being allowed ice cream for breakfast or hearing a mysterious noise at night, also affect younger children, notes Dr. Kathryn Hecht, a child clinical psychologist based in Minneapolis-Saint Paul. She adds that the approach to helping kids through these setbacks remains consistent, regardless of age.

One Approach Fits All Ages: The CAVE Model

A common thread among experts is the CAVE model-comfort, attunement to, and validation of emotions. Dr. Kathryn Humphreys, an associate professor at Vanderbilt University, emphasizes the need to first validate a child's feelings. When her daughter failed a swimming test, she acknowledged her disappointment but encouraged her to practice and try again.

"The goal is to help them build emotional regulation skills and persistence," says Humphreys.

Listening plays a pivotal role in validation, as demonstrated by Dr. Shannon Dorsey. When her 9-year-old son faced social issues, she took time to listen to his experiences before offering solutions.

"Adults can't always fix things for kids. What's crucial is validating their emotions," says Dr. Angela Narayan, an associate professor at the University of Denver.

Another crucial point is to resist the immediate impulse to 'fix' the situation. When Dr. Becky Lois's son wasn't happy at his new summer camp, her first reaction was to intervene. On second thought, she recognized the benefits of letting him navigate the challenge. This sentiment is echoed by multiple experts who warn against rescuing children from age-appropriate struggles.

Mistakes Happen: The Imperfect Journey of Parenting

Instead, experts advise helping children sit with their difficult emotions. Whether it's through deep breathing exercises or open-ended questions, the idea is not to erase the emotional experience but to help children learn from it.

"Giving kids the opportunity to sit with negative emotions is a significant point of learning," says Narayan.

The role of a parent evolves as children grow older and seek more autonomy. For older kids, validation remains crucial, but offering solutions may not always be welcomed.

"Instead of imposing solutions, ask them how they plan to handle the situation," advises Hecht.

Despite their best efforts, parents aren't infallible. Dr. Humphreys reminds us, "Every parent makes mistakes. The key lies in acknowledging these missteps and continuing to practice and refine these coping strategies with your child.

Parenting is a complex journey filled with shared successes and challenges. Yet, as these experts suggest, equipping children with emotional resilience is among the most enduring gifts a parent can offer.