Actress Jennifer Garner has recently shared her parenting philosophy, which might come as a surprise to many. Garner, known for her roles in both film and television, isn't a proponent of the 'helicopter mom' approach. Instead, she believes in what she calls 'benign neglect,' a term she discussed with Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager on NBC's "Today."
Garner's approach is about giving her children the freedom to experience life independently. "Their lives are their own," she said. "I'm not trying to live their life, and I don't mind that they see that I love mine."
This statement reflects a parenting style that emphasizes independence and self-reliance rather than constant oversight and intervention.
Balance Between Independence and Oversight in Parenting
Los Angeles parenting coach Oona Hanson interprets Garner's use of 'benign neglect' as a playful phrase, offering an alternative to the intensive, over-involved parenting style that has become prevalent.
Hanson notes that many parents are seeking permission or role models for stepping back from intensive parenting, which often doesn't serve the parent or the child well.
The concept of 'benign neglect' isn't about ignoring children's needs but rather about creating a safe, loving environment where children have the freedom to be bored, make mistakes, and figure things out on their own. This approach can foster creativity, independence, and problem-solving skills.
Catherine Newman, an academic department coordinator at Amherst College and author, shares a similar philosophy. She allowed her children to decide how to spend their summers, respecting her working hours and finding ways to entertain themselves. This freedom led to her children developing imaginative and self-sufficient skills, which have lasted into adulthood.
However, there's a balance to be struck. Being overly involved in every aspect of a child's life can lead to a sense of learned helplessness, where children feel incapable of doing anything on their own.
Dr. Janine Domingues, a senior psychologist at the Child Mind Institute in New York City, emphasizes the importance of allowing children to experience stress, anxiety, and even failure. These experiences are crucial for learning problem-solving skills and building resilience.
Importance of Parents Having Their Own Lives
Moreover, Garner's approach also highlights the importance of parents having their own lives outside of their children. This perspective challenges the notion that parenthood, particularly motherhood, should involve complete self-sacrifice. By modeling a balanced life, parents can show their children that adulthood and parenthood can be enjoyable and fulfilling.
Implementing 'beneficial neglect' requires setting up a productive environment, both physically and emotionally. It involves providing resources for independent activities and being available for support when necessary. It's also about acknowledging the difficulty of a problem a child might face and helping them think through solutions rather than immediately solving it for them.
In a world where parents often feel the pressure of unrealistic parenting standards, Hanson advises parents to have compassion for themselves, listen to their intuition, and find a supportive community. This approach aligns with Garner's philosophy, suggesting that sometimes stepping back and allowing children to navigate their own experiences can be the most loving and effective form of parenting.
