Like most stay-at-home dads, I am a raging inferno of manliness.
So when I read in The New York Times that having kids lowers your testosterone, I was rightly concerned. Worse yet, research demonstrates that the more involved the dad gets, the lower his concentration of jungle juice drops. As a full-time dad, I'm pretty damn involved.
Could this be the end of Frank?
Both men and women have testosterone, but higher levels of the androgen leave men and bull sharks a wee bit on the aggressive side. That's not what concerns me. Maybe this is the low-T talking, but all the men I admire eventually grew up and settled down. Slate says the link between fatherhood and testosterone is hardwired into our brains precisely because it's an evolutionary advantage: Caring fathers give their offspring a better chance of making it in a tough world.
No, what concerns me is the role testosterone plays in fat loss and muscle growth. In adolescence, for instance, boys will lose fat and gain muscle without even working out (those were the days).
But in your 30s it's the opposite: Just maintaining your current level of fitness requires more work. Now I'm scared because my testosterone is dropping, and I know Fat Frank is still lurking inside me.
If Fat Frank gets out it's gonna be 2004 all over again.
Kara got pregnant, but she never got stretch marks - that was me. In 2004 I graduated from college and got my first office job. Maybe it was my bachelor diet; maybe it was my new sedentary lifestyle - whatever the reason, I put on 50 pounds in less than 4 months.
It took six grim years of dieting and working out to get back to my college weight, and it's a constant battle keeping the weight off today. I can't just pound the world's greatest bacon cheeseburger without a thought, like I used to. At first I tried various shortcuts and gimmicks, but here's what actually worked. Be warned: I have a doctorate, but I'm not a doctor.
1. Getting a tan is as good as losing 15 pounds.
Even if your skintone falls somewhere between "eggshell" and "bone" on the Pier 1 spectrum of home accents, relief is as simple as stepping outside and removing your clothes. Don't do this in front of public schools.
Tan bodies look thinner. While a flawless tan carries with it the threat of slowly dying from melanoma, what is life for if not to risk death in pursuit of an arbitrary standard of beauty exploited by old men for the purpose of selling ad space in magazines?
This is America.
2. A calorie is a calorie.
Anyone who says you can eat anything that tastes good and still lose weight is LYING. Anyone who says you can eat anything at all and still lose weight is lying - likely trying to sell you something. The hard truth is: A CALORIE IS A CALORIE (read the article). Some foods digest slower than others, but eventually it's all just sugar in your bloodstream. People selling diet gimmicks will try to confuse you, but these are the experts talking.
Wheat flour is the worst, white or brown. Brown flour contains a bit more protein and fiber, but both flours are essentially pure starch, and quickly turn to sugar inside you.
Beware of misinformation, particularly from trade groups who take a financial interest in what you eat.
For adults, significant weight loss requires SIGNIFICANT CALORIE RESTRICTION. The New York Times says to lose a pound of fat per week you must reduce your intake by 500 calories per day (1 bagel). People who sell weight-loss gimmicks want you to believe there's an easier way. There isn't.
3. Prepare for a fight.
It's going to hurt.
Human bodies are essentially the same today as they were in the stone age. Fat is the body's emergency survival reserve, and the body does not surrender its fat without a fight - my body lets go of it kicking and screaming. Many bodybuilders and nutritionists believe you don't start burning fat at all until you've completely exhausted the glycogen stored in your skeletal muscle and in your liver. If you're sedentary, it can take more than 24 hours of fasting before your body even dips into the fat.
I can't lose weight without getting hungry. I can't lose a lot of weight without getting very, very hungry. And irritable. And a little wobbly, and generally making my friends and loved ones wish I were on a desert island losing weight the old-fashioned way.
Sadly, hunger is controlled by the hypothalamus: located in the old, primitive part of the brain; the part that handles fear, aggression, and the sorts of things mommies and daddies do when you were supposed to be playing outside.
The hypothalamus hasn't changed much since the paleolithic. The hypothalamus is convinced you could starve to death or be eaten by a grizzly bear at any moment.
Thus, the hypothalamus urges you to buy several sticky buns and scarf them down while sprinting out of the bakeshop, before a grizzly bear can get you.
4. Consistency is better than Heroics.
A half-hour workout four days a week is vastly more effective than a 2-hour We-are-Sparta blood & glory rampage on Saturday morning. Those occasional weekend heroics and the inevitable Sunday-morning convalescence are what turns ordinary people off to fitness in the first place, which leads me to:
5. Dance with the one that brung ya'.
It's your body. There's no other body like it, and only you can prescribe your fitness regimen. If there's a physical activity you enjoy, do it! Build your workout around it, and take the long view. Realize that you're not doing this to get results this month or even this year. You NEVER get results fast enough; if you're watching for results you'll only get frustrated.
The secret is learning to eat right and work out because you love to eat right and work out - because your Neanderthal brain rewards you when you get out there and forage. The reward is the same whether you forage on the treadmill, pushing the mower, in the lap pool at the YMCA, chasing your kids up and down the stairs, swinging the kettlebells, or sprinting out of the bakeshop, your mouth stuffed with sticky bun, a grizzly bear at your heels.
One last thing: be sure to combine high-rep, low-stress strength training with cardio. Makes you burn extra calories even while at rest.
Frank is an out-of-work lawyer turned stay-at-home dad. Follow Frank's and Spud's adventures in Bermuda at Still Vexed.
