There's a good chance you clicked this article because you're a frustrated parent who doesn't know how to deal with your teens' behavior anymore. You don't know when or how they started shouting back at you. You don't understand them and they don't understand you. You always end up in a fight and can't seem to have a discussion without voices breaking glasses in the house. It's okay.
It's okay to be frustrated because it's normal; but remember you are the parent and as long as your teen lives under your roof, you still have a say in what he/she does and can't do. Nonetheless, there's always a better way to go through arguments, one that doesn't end up with both of you cursing each other, and breaking your relationship for life. Read tips from child and adolescent psychiatrist Alison Roy as reported by The Guardian.
1. Understand why arguments start in the first place.
Arguments happen when there are misunderstandings. You have to understand that it's normal for someone to stand up for his/her beliefs---exactly what your teen is trying to do and what you are doing so yourself. As the parent, understand the downpour of emotions and let it happen.
According to Simply Psychology, when a person is stressed, it's natural that his/her hypothalamus, the region on the brain in charge of stress response, to activate the adrenal medulla which secretes adrenaline hormones. The heart rate and blood pressure increase which comes out as you and your teen's anger before your bodies return to a balanced state. In short, as The Guardian puts it, "There's not much point trying to have a calm discussion during these "storms."
2. Confront an issue; don't avoid an argument on purpose.
Communication is key in every relationship. The Guardian says that this is actually a good opportunity to listen to your teen and understand what he/she is going through so don't let issues to just fly by.
"Fighting is good and productive because it clears the emotional channels of frustration, resentment, and anger, which can lead to behaviors that create conflict," said relationship expert Jane Greer, Ph.D, to Women's Health Magazine.
3. Don't belittle or judge your teen's object of desire.
The Guardian warns in underestimating your teen's interest. It may just be a stupid gadget for you or a senseless fling, but it means the world to your teen and you have to understand that. If you refuse to, don't expect a reconciliation or a compromise happening soon.
4. Don't assume that you understand your teen without listening first.
According to Empowering Parents, teens often use the "you don't understand me" card to play and assume the role of a victim in a situation. It's their way of separating themselves from you and claiming to be victims of your rules. You should understand that adolescence is a difficult stage in your child's life so don't argue with them because you'll just end up validating their victim role. Agree that you don't understand them and listen to their point. Teens long to be understood and after you make them feel that you do, you are in the position to assert your ground as a parent and what your final decision is. Make sure your teen understands where you're coming from as well.
5. Have an open mind and look at the bigger picture.
Set your feelings aside first, look at the bigger picture and understand thoroughly what your teen is trying to tell you because it might be a bigger problem than how it is presented. The Guardian suggests to use phrases like "What would that mean to you?" or "What would happen if you didn't get it?"
6. Acknowledge that your teen has a valid point.
You're also human and you commit mistakes too. When you have looked at the bigger picture and you see that your teen has a valid point, humble yourself and acknowledge it. The Guardian proposes that you forego your decision and tell your teen that you're going to think about it first and you'll discuss it again on a specific day. In that way, both of you have already cooled down and as a long-term effect, it also helped reaffirm your teen that he/she can be right.
7. Let the argument breathe by asking practical questions somewhere in the argument.
Repeatedly ask your teen about the date, the venue, the cost of the gadget or any practical detail to tone down the surge of emotions. Even if you've already asked about it in the beginning, pretend that you forgot the answers and ask again.
8. Have a sense of humor. It always helps.
The Guardian says that teens love parents who can laugh at themselves. Introduce humor in the argument to lighten the situation but never mock your teen's frustration because it will only lead to a bigger fight. Positive Discipline says that teens react more positively with humor than nagging.
There you go! Those are the 8 things that you can do to win an argument against your teen. Well, not only have you won your heated discussion, you might just have regained his/her heart as well. Congratulations!
