But there's another reason to parent collaboratively: power and authority don't teach kids skills on the more positive side of human nature. Skills like empathy, appreciating how one's behavior is affecting others, resolving disagreements in ways that do not involve conflict, taking another's perspective, and honesty. Are the ways in which we're parenting and disciplining our kids teaching those skills?
If not, how is it done? How does one go about parenting collaboratively? How can parents exert influence - ensuring that kids benefit from our wisdom, experience, and values - while still allowing kids to explore and pursue their own preferences, believes, values, goals, and direction?
It turns out that parental influence is primarily exerted through expectations. And collaboration is especially crucial when kids are having difficulty meeting our expectations. As I describe in my book, Raising Human Beings, collaborating on handling an unmet expectation basically involves three steps. The first step involves gathering information from a child about his or her concern, perspective, or point of view on a given problem or unmet expectation. The second step involves helping the child listen to really hear your perspective. The third step involves coming up with a solution that addresses the concerns of both parties.
The challenge is to come up with a solution that will not only address one's own concerns but also address the concerns of the other party. It's very different than simply imposing a solution and forcing a kid, by one means or another, to comply. It's not about power or arm-twisting. It's not carrots and sticks. It's not "I'm right and you're wrong." It's a different form of authority. It ensures that voices are heard and concerns addressed. It fosters empathy, honesty, communication, and trust. It's respectful. It helps kids and adults come up with solutions that are more durable and effective. It fosters qualities on the more positive side of human nature. And it helps prepare kids for what really lies ahead in The Real World.
Author Bio: Dr. Ross W. Greene is the author of Raising Human Beings, Lost and Found, Lost at School, and The Explosive Child. Dr. Greene was on the faculty at Harvard Medical School for over twenty years, and is now founding director of the nonprofit organization Lives in the Balance, which provides a vast array of free, web-based resources on the model of care-now called Collaborative & Proactive Solutions-described in his books. Dr. Greene's research has been funded by the US Department of Education, the National Institute on Drug Abuse, the Stanley Medical Research Institute, and the Maine Juvenile Justice Advisory Group. He speaks widely throughout the world, and lives in Portland, Maine. For more information please visit here or follow the author on Facebook or Twitter
