Noelle, a participant in a women's group I lead in my practice, lamented that she was in a dilemma. Her 13-year-old son, Jack, back in school barely a week, already waged a full-blown homework war. The boy was a master procrastinator, avoiding what had to be done with willfulness and wile. He waited until the 11th hour to complete his papers, then begged and pleaded to have Noelle help him write and type them. Not wanting him to do poorly in school, Noelle typically gave in to him. "I know he should do his own work, but he cares so much about his grades that I just can't say no to him. And he's also pressuring me to take him to tutors who will help him get his schoolwork done."
Denise, another woman in the group, nodded sympathetically, then spoke of her daughter who was a junior in college. She said that her husband had been editing every paper that their daughter wrote. She said that her husband was a good writer and editor, but she worried that her daughter was too dependent on his help. "I would've thought by this time that Carly would be more independent. But she's so worried about getting into graduate school that it's hard not to help her fulfill her dreams."
Studies have shown that over-protective, "do everything" parents engender in their children a lack of self-agency, or self-confidence. Never having had a chance to learn independence and self-reliance, they often don't believe they can produce a desired outcome without their parents' involvement. They don't see themselves as agents in the achievement of a desired objective.
By "doing everything," parents can hinder the development of self-efficacy in their children. In fact, by "doing everything," parents can instill "a can't do" rather than a "can do" reaction to even the simplest of life's challenges. Children who have everything done for them lose the chance to develop valuable coping skills, to gain self-confidence and to learn to bounce back from failure when necessary.
Every answer begins with a question. Why do so many parents feel compelled to help too much? Most commonly, fear of dire consequences can cause a parent to step in and take charge. "If I don't finish the science project for her, she'll fail the class and never get into college," or "If I don't remind him to get to soccer practice on time every day, he'll get cut from the team." Some helicopter parents received too little help from their own parents or they, too, had over-protective, over-bearing parents and are simply continuing the tradition.
It's always helpful to analyze one's habits and compulsive behavior. Many of us try to heal our own wounds and hurts by treating our children as if they have the same wounds and hurts. In other words, we, without actually being conscious of it, use our kids to compensate and correct things we feel were wrong with our own upbringing. Many of my clients who were under-attended by their parents, compensate by over-attending their own children with laser beam intensity. Feelings of anxiety about the world in general can drive parents to take control in the belief that they can keep their child from ever being hurt or disappointed.
Parental peer pressure: Sometimes, parenting becomes competitive. When observing other parents "fighting" to optimize their children's experience, one can feel pressure to do the same, to level the playing field. So, to stop hurting your children by helping too much...
Reflect before reacting. Ask yourself if your involvement is helping your child in the long run. Ask yourself if your interference would prevent your child from developing the necessary self-reliance that is needed to function independently in life and to develop the self-confidence that comes from taking charge of a situation themselves-when developmentally appropriate, of course.
Finally, there is no perfect formula for parenting. But, there is one somewhat old-fashioned rule: Do not try to be a perfect parent of a perfect child in a perfect world. Teach your child by example that true success is just doing one's best. One's own best.
